This issue is one of my favorites so far. There are a lot of fun things going on this month. The month began with my birthday and – while I’m glad I was born – the date is most significant as the start date to my third annual “Happiness Walk.” Sound corny? I suppose it is a bit. But it’s also great fun! For the past three years, I have asked most everyone I know (usually at the last minute!) to gift me a picture of something that makes them happy in their everyday life. The result is truly overwhelming each year. I set out about 50 photos of adorable dogs, lover’s bright smiles, cheeky coffee cups, shiny motorcycles, funny-shaped trees and fancy cars that cause a smile every day on route to work. It’s hard to browse around the photos and not find a reason to smile – but the trick is that it isn’t just a smile for ourselves, but a smile shared with our friends. Still sound corny? Just trust me! Make a visit to the sim and you’ll get it.
This is also a terrific issue because of our good friends Doc Romano and Jos Loll. They are both fun guys with silly (sometimes naughty) senses of humor, as well being talented artists. My long-time friend, Tyler Cross, also chimes in this issue with a “travel” feature. I know his dry wit well, so his article had me giggling. I’m sure you will enjoy it too.
Lastly, there is a live music section that features our own advice columnist and TSFTG friend Mahogany Soulstar. She made her singing debut recently, so Susan Aloix snatched her up for a quick interview.
Dear Mahogany, I met the love of my life in SL many years ago. We were friends for a year, then partnered for another year before becoming a RL couple. Three years into it, I found out that he was having an affair in SL. He eventually partnered this woman against my wishes, then left me for her. I guess the grass wasn’t greener, because after almost a year with her, he showed up on my doorstep saying he had made a huge mistake.
I took him back, because I am still in love with him, and I miss having him in my life. Things seemed to be going really well, until I found out that he is still financing this woman in SL. He is spending a lot of money in world to keep her SL business going, and to make sure she has everything she needs. He justifies it by saying if he helps her in SL, she won’t ask him for money IRL and he won’t have to have any contact with her. I am okay with that. I don’t depend on him for money, so as long as he pays his bills, I don’t care. But, I’m afraid that this continued contact will cause him to leave again.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to appear too needy, but I don’t want to be alone either.
Sincerely, Don’t Want to be Lonely
Honey, Here is what you need to do: get some self respect!
I don’t know what kind of game this man is playing with your life, but this is not something you want hanging over your head or your heart.
I can understand being in love, and not wanting to be alone, but is it really worth your peace of mind to constantly worry about whether or not this guy is going to dip out on you again?
Ask yourself what’s more important, being with someone who clearly wants to be with someone else, or being able to love the person you face in the mirror each morning?
Whatever you decide to do, you have to live with it. Just don’t get mad when the people close to you start to look at you funny for staying with him.
One thing that I have learned about people is that we’ve all been through some sort of trauma in our lives. And that trauma, no matter how big or small, has brought us to SL. The beauty of SL is that no one can see our scars unless we allow it. They see the avatar that we create to represent ourselves, and then, through conversations and interactions, they begin to see the inner workings of our minds. In SL, we have a chance to be the people we’ve always wanted to be. And that is a wonderful thing.
What I’ll never understand is why, with the freedom to be who we want to be, we allow our past trauma to define us in this beautiful virtual space that we create. So many times, we run into someone in world who is wholly defined by their past trauma. And it’s understandable, until they try to use their past trauma to justify bad behavior.
One’s past may have been traumatic and devastating. It may well have been emotionally crippling and caused irreversible psychological damage. But that time has passed. And while you may still be dealing with some of the residual effects of that trauma, you HAVE gotten through it.
I had a friend who had a terrible childhood. We initially bonded over the fact that our childhoods were so similar and we worked together to help each other heal. However, as I grew stronger and worked harder to leave the nightmare of my youth behind, my friend seemed to cling to it. Whenever we would meet, she’d rehash the same experiences. When I spoke of new hobbies and life adventures, she’d counter with “Did I ever tell you about the time when….” Cue the sad music, the waterworks, and the Kleenex. As much as I wanted to be a supportive friend, I could no longer endure living in her past. And as much as it pained me to cut ties with her, I felt like — for the sake of my own sanity— I had no choice. We still speak on occasion, but the bond that we used to share is no longer there. And I, at times, wonder if perhaps I let my friend down.
The answer is no, I did not.
If she is unable to function as an adult because she refuses to let go of what happened to her, why should that make me or anyone else feel bad? If she is using what happened as a reason to be an emotionally irresponsible asshole, then she deserves to be locked in the prison of loneliness and selfishness that she created.
There comes a point in time when we have to learn to forgive. First we forgive ourselves, and then we forgive those who hurt us. If we’ve caused the hurt, through reckless behavior based on a past trauma, then we need to be willing to learn from our mistakes so they aren’t repeated.
We are all expected to mature as we get older. Part of maturing is knowing when to hold on, and when to let go. The way I see it, when it comes to your life and your past, you can be a VICTIM or you can be a VOLUNTEER. (100L to the first person who can tell me what movie that’s from.)
I refuse to be a victim. Not to my past or to yours. And I further refuse to allow you to muddle my colorful present and bright shiny future with the emotional weight of the baggage that you refuse to let go of. Don’t be angry, just let it go. Crumple it up, throw it away, and then we’ll find out who you’re going to be. In both worlds.
